We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
