now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
