Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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