take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Rumble strips road head = magical
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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