Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
