anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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