in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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