so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
