is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
