ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
