a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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