So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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