we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Someone signed my nipple.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
