I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
