i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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