everyone is single if you try hard enough
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize
