I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Be still, my beating vagina.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
