U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
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