Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
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Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
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Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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