Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
