when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
