I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
