fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
