Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
