So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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