Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
