So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
then he tried to convert me to islam
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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