Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
