my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
