I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
