We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
