i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
