i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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