it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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