So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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