He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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