I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
