I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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