gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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