Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
