and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
