if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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