I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
