I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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