I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
