a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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