this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
