We need to rekindle our bromance
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
