highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
