i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Randomize
