so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
