Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
