Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
