just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
We had sex on a dog bed..
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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