He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
