I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
